I have been on the regimen of Abraxane/Avastin every other week for the last 2 months. Side effects occur about 2 or 3 days after infusion. They are tolerable but unpleasant and kind of stop my routine just from the fatigue alone. I sometimes say to myself is it worth it? If you talk to me during the good periods I might say bravely “I can do this” and if you talk to me during the bad times I might say “I’m so tired of this roller coaster”. At the moment I am feeling almost normal (whatever that means to me) but I know that next Wednesday I will start all over again and the cloud will hover above my head one more time.

I just ordered another wig and it took me 2 weeks to do that because a good part of that time I didn’t care about anything other than how I felt. I go to the gym to work out Tuesdays and Thursdays as I have for 16 years because that’s what I must do in order to feel alive. Sometimes I am so tired but I go through my workout routine anyway even if it means I’m on the couch for the rest of the day. And then there are the times I go to the gym and I feel like my own self again and it invigorates me and makes me feel like I’m truly alive and life is so worth fighting for. There are times when my grand kids, Andrew 7 and Ryan 5 are here and I say to myself every minute with them is so precious to me so I must keep fighting!

I guess what I am trying to say is that whatever cards you are dealt in your life, they are your cards and each person has to figure out how to play their own hand. There are choices we must make every day and try to make each choice the right thing for each one of us personally. Chronic illness is very difficult for anyone but the sun rises and sets and every day is a gift.

Hope is the foundation of Living With Cancer successfully. We, the survivors must hope that there will be that new drug or that new technology around the bend that could possibly make your prognosis better but in the end it is what you do with your life day by day while you are alive. It is a 24-7 job for those of us who are walking the path.